The Misadventures of Taz: From iPhone Heists to Hashtags

Join me to hear about Tayseer Yousef, aka Taz, and his scheme of stealing iPhones from Michigan and selling them in Chicago. This is season 4, episode 1: The Misadventures of Taz: From iPhone Heists to Hashtags!

Sources:

• https://www.courtlistener.com/docket/67685791/united-states-v-yousef/
• https://www.woodtv.com/news/grand-rapids/mans-photo-with-a-stack-of-cash-leads-to-conviction-in-cellphone-robbery-scheme/

Transcript:

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;10;01

00;00;10;01 – 00;00;30;11
Narrator
Welcome to eCrimeBytes. This is where we research the court documentation and roast the criminals so you don’t have to. So now you find yourself in an FBI command center bustling with agents, monitoring screens that are displaying highway cameras and intercepted texts.

00;00;30;16 – 00;00;45;01
Agent Carlson
There’s our star performer, Tayseer Yousef, aka Taz. He was caught on camera driving his trusty Toyota Avalon on I-94. Post heist. As predictable as ever.

00;00;45;06 – 00;00;51;26
Agent Smith
Same road every time, It’s like he’s following a GPS that sends him straight to jail.

00;00;51;31 – 00;01;03;04
Agent Jones
And get this, he even use the same phone number for his crime coordination that he gave the government for his immigration paperwork. Talk about making things easy for us.

00;01;03;09 – 00;01;15;00
Agent Carlson
What we know so far is that Taz and his crew will steal cell phones from cell phone stores in Michigan and drive them down to Chicago to sell them like the the real deal.

00;01;15;05 – 00;01;17;49
Agent Smith
Come on, tell him the next part.

00;01;17;54 – 00;01;29;30
Agent Carlson
Well, we also know that he’s been giving his stolen cell phone to family members who will then use them under their name. So we pretty much know this is Taz.

00;01;29;35 – 00;01;32;03
Agent Smith
Come on now, tell him the rest.

00;01;32;08 – 00;01;56;13
Agent Carlson
We also know that Taz likes to document his crimes via photos. He’s taking pictures of himself with a bunch of cash. He’s even spelled out his name in cash. You probably wonder why I’m pausing. Right? Look at those bed sheets. Those are Batman bed sheets. So Taz usually meets with his other criminal henchmen in a Walmart parking lot.

00;01;56;17 – 00;02;03;48
Agent Carlson
So let’s go lie in wait in this Walmart parking lot and wait for Taz to exchange the more stolen goods.

00;02;03;48 – 00;02;18;13
Narrator
Now you find yourself in a desolate Walmart parking lot in Chicago. Taz directs his crew as they unload stolen merchandise from a van, and they’re totally oblivious to the FBI agents rolling in.

00;02;18;18 – 00;02;25;12
Taz
All right, people, let’s make sure we get the best angles. We’re going live on the gram in three minutes.

00;02;25;17 – 00;02;30;59
Henchman 1
Boss, are you sure about going live in public now?

00;02;31;04 – 00;02;36;32
Taz
Of course. It’s all about the engagement. Hashtag thief life.

00;02;36;37 – 00;02;41;36
Agent Carlson
Ready for your close up, Taz? We’ve been waiting for the big reveal.

00;02;41;40 – 00;02;52;18
Taz
Oh. This. It’s just a misunderstanding. We’re filming a review for these phones, right?

00;02;52;18 – 00;03;02;47
Agent Carlson
Right. A review, and I suppose you’re planning on giving the police five stars. Come along with us now. Join us in this interrogation room.

00;03;02;47 – 00;03;08;54
Narrator
Next, Taz finds himself in a very dreary looking FBI interrogation room.

00;03;08;59 – 00;03;19;40
Agent Carlson
So, Taz, explain the scenic tours from Michigan to Chicago, captured by our highway cameras. Those trips weren’t just for the Instagram Stories, were they?

00;03;19;44 – 00;03;29;46
Taz
They were, just for checking my mileage. You know, eco friendly, trying to keep my carbon footprint low.

00;03;29;50 – 00;03;34;04
Agent Carlson
Right. A low carbon footprint, but a high criminal footprint.

00;03;34;13 – 00;03;45;28
Agent Carlson
Right? You even use the same phone number that you sent to your criminal buddies on your immigration paperwork. That was a pretty streamlined process,

00;03;45;33 – 00;03;49;29
Taz
Efficiency. That’s the name of the game,

00;03;49;34 – 00;03;57;09
Agent Carlson
And the end game is a prison cell. You’ve made things so efficient, you skipped right to the part where you get caught.

00;03;57;09 – 00;04;02;37
Narrator
You are now in a courtroom filled with curious spectators.

00;04;02;42 – 00;04;17;11
Judge
Mr. Yousef. Now, in the real world, you’ve had an attorney. But just for this skit, let’s just pretend you chose to represent yourself. We’re all ears. Tell us how you plan to explain this mess you’re in.

00;04;17;16 – 00;04;36;38
Taz
You said urine! Well, Your Honor. Much of this confusion stems from the iCloud account. With these damning pictures of me, my money, and my Batman bedsheets. It was shared, so it’s difficult to say who did what. I’m talking about the iCloud account, not the bedsheets.

00;04;36;43 – 00;04;48;54
Judge
So you’re telling me the same phone used to fill out immigration paperwork was also used with your criminal henchmen, and now you’re claiming iCloud confusion? That’s some shared incompetence.

00;04;48;59 – 00;04;57;12
Agent Carlson
Not to mention the Batman sheets where he staged his stolen goods. Really? Adding that vigilante touch, weren’t you, Mr. Yousef?

00;04;57;17 – 00;05;06;03
Taz
Well, Your Honor, every good brand needs a theme. And I thought Batman captured the spirit of, well, you know, nocturnal activities.

00;05;06;08 – 00;05;16;05
Judge
I see you think you’re Gotham’s new villain. Too bad Gotham’s legal system isn’t quite as amused. Jury, have you reached a verdict?

00;05;16;10 – 00;05;33;35
Jury
We have, Your Honor. Oh, boy. When you told us that he gave some of these stolen cell phones to his family members, and they registered them in their names, we thought that was a joke. So, of course, the only conclusion we’d come up with is Taz… He’s guilty.

00;05;33;40 – 00;05;46;23
Judge
Thank you. Jury. Taz, your sentencing will be scheduled at a later date. Until then, perhaps leave the superhero antics behind you and try something more your speed. Like crossword puzzles?

00;05;46;27 – 00;05;49;36
Agent Carlson
Hell yeah. But he’d probably still leave a clue behind.

00;05;49;40 – 00;06;02;52
Narrator
And now we wait for Taz’s fate. We hope you join us on the next episode of eCrimeBytes, where we research the court documentation and roast the criminals so you don’t have to.

00;06;02;52 – 00;06;12;53